Abandonment #6

The new home.  This home had some differences from the last home but many similarities.  Some things were better and some were worse.  Some of the kids were nicer and some were meaner.  I’m not going to spend time describing the home in detail – it’s not important.  People (at Americans) are so obsessed with living conditions.  How nice is the home?  How good is the food? Do you have hot water?  How is school?  Do you have toys to play with?

Let me tell you, none of that matters.  I would have rather been back with my family in our little block house with no running water (except when it rained) than to be in a new luxury home without my family.

In my later years, I read about the Jews suffering terrible horrible conditions in the Nazi camps of WW2.  Those people faced disease, torture, starvation and death and yet they they wanted to live.  Think about that: why did they have the will to live?  I have everything now but I don’t.  What happened to me?  What crushed the spirit in me that the Jews thrived on?

I learned how to lie.  Lie about everything.  Survive without caring.  Survive without loving.  Lie about how I feel, what I want, what I did.  Lies and more lies.  Cover up.  Blend in.  I did what was expected and go with the flow.  Going with the flow people and people won’t suspect me.  Blend in and stay hidden.  Smile and everyone assumes I’m ok.  Don’t bring attention.  After awhile I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  Smile.  Smile and seem happy.  Smile and do what people want to see.  Lie.  Survive the day, the night, no one really knows who I am because I don’t know who I am.

Boys or girls thrown together in a room are not family.  They really aren’t friends.  We co-existed.  Tell me – if you know any orphans that came out of an orphanage, do they want to see other children that they lived with in the orphanage?  Most don’t.  I’m not attached to anyone.  I’m just surviving with a smile.



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