My pain is ever with me

“Why do you insist on blaming yourself?”

“Because I wasn’t a good enough friend.  I wasn’t there to help him when he needed it the most.  I failed him.”

“You couldn’t be with him every minute.”

“A better friend would have known what he was planning and would have been able to stop him.”

“A worse friend would have stopped being his friend because he was so volatile.”

“I just want this to end.”

“You see the damage that he has caused to so many people.  Classmates, soccer team, coaches, teachers, family, friends, the list goes on and on.  Do you really want to do this to everyone you know and those who know those people?  The ripples spread far and wide and they keep spreading.  A friend of mine did this 30 years ago and I still mourn for him.  You are going to do the same damage to others what has been done to you.  Doesn’t that matter to you?”

“My logical mind and my emotional mind don’t line up on the subject.”

“What do you want?”

“I want this to end.  I want my pain to go away.  I want to go home.  This has never been home to me.”

“I don’t know how to help you.”

“You can’t.”

“I don’t know how to fix this.  How do I make it better?”

“You can’t.  No one can.”

“There has to be a way.  This can’t be the only solution.”

Silence

“I’m not going to let you out of my sight.”

“You can’t watch me every minute.”

“I’ll send you to another hospital.”

Silence

“You will not be able to stop this.”

Silence

Psalm 38:17

For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
cutting
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