Month: August 2014

Your Scars are Beautiful

Once again, I have really, REALLY struggled over whether to re-post this.  This is not casual reading.  It is not easy to face.  Am I encouraging Jocelyn in her issues by re-posting her writings?  I hope not.  Am I trying to bring people to see the pain that some people live with?  Yes.  I see and hear a young lady crying out for healing, for life, for salvation, for hope.  I see a person who loved Isaiah and couldn’t save him from his own demons.  What do we do with this?  How do we as Christians respond?  How do we as a society respond?

“I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me.
 

“Your scars are beautiful”

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“Your scars are beautiful”
Do not tell me my scars are beautiful
I did not do this to myself to look beautiful
To appeal to some fucked up
perception of what beauty is
What scars are
What scars represent
Was I beautiful when I was biting my lip
pressing scalding metal to my flesh?
Was it attractive when my mom laid me down on the floor
blood pumping from my arm
the day I went too deep?
Would you tell me I’m beautiful if I didn’t have scars?
Would you have looked twice at me
without the crisscrossing white lines
and the purple blotches?
Wouldn’t it be sad
if the most beautiful thing about me
is the hate that I carry on my body?

“Scars are tattoos with better stories”
Better stories?
Better for who?
Nobody looks at my arms and sees
a good story
A good time
A good memory
Looking at myself
I read the stories
Stories of chaos
Stories of pain
Some marks I remember making so clearly
Others are a mystery
Some of the lines spell out thoughts
Short blurbs of my conscience
“Dad”
on my calf
next to
“Goodnight”
“Whore”
across my chest
“Die” or “Death”
many times
“Fat”
on my stomach
“Get out”
on my right thigh
“23”
on my left
“Rape”
on my arm
and ironically
the biggest
“I know better”
on my leg
Looking at my tattoos
I see the stories there too
Stories of hope
Remembrance
Influence
So tell me
How are scars better stories?
Are they preferable?
Desired?
I’d rather hand over some cash
for an inked man to press needles to my skin
Than give up my life
to take a razor to the same skin

“Never be ashamed of your scars”
Am I to be proud?
If I had harmed anyone else
the way I harmed myself
would you tell me
not to feel remorse?
Why wouldn’t I be ashamed?
I am living on the border
of a society that glorifies my behavior
and a society that condemns it
But neither
will ever understand

“Maybe you should cover your arms; kids will be there.”
“Are you emo or something?”
“Cookie cutter.”
“Why haven’t you just killed yourself?”
“You’re cute. Messed up skin kinda doesn’t help you though.”
“What are you going to tell your kids?”
“Ew.”
“Why are we on a team with the emo girl?”
“Stop trying to get everyone’s attention.”
“Why are your sleeves rolled up?”
“I wasn’t going to tell you, but that looks really ugly.”
“You’re wearing a jacket to homecoming, right?”
And today in a coffee shop:
“Have some self-respect.”

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I swear I’m nice, just mentally ill

I questioned whether to copy this post.  This is supposed to be a devotional blog.  Well . . .  following God is often messy.  Dealing with His children is ALWAYS messy.  I’ve seen a log of articles on suicide following Robin William’s death.   We want to figure everything out.  We want answers.  We want to know why.  Hearing that Robin was facing Parkinson’s Disease made it a little easier to understand.  It gave us an excuse. It gave him an excuse.

Give yourself a break.  You will never figure it out.  I don’t know what Isaiah was thinking.  I don’t know what Jocelyn is thinking.  She says it below.  People ask how she is doing.  She says ok.  She is  always ok.   If I would have come home a little early that day in October, Isaiah wouldn’t have done what he did.  He would have said he was ok.

Ephesians 6:12

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world andagainst the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

 

Inside The Mind Of A Suicidal Teenager

Image

The following is a narrative of my experience and thought process on a particularly rough day last year that I found in the “notes” section of my phone. May be triggering or disturbing to some people. However, these types of thoughts remain relatively normal for me.

Written January 3, 2013

Cross streets randomly without looking
Maybe a driver will take care of this for me
Who am I kidding?
It’s noon in Strasburg
All cars are going 25
Maybe an Amish buggy could trample me
Cold
Neighbor walking
“How are you?”
“I’m good”
Why do I still smile?
Memories on this street
Isaiah
Laughter
Turn up music
Drown it out
Avoid familiar sights
Pretend I have someone to text
Feel tears fighting
How many calories am I burning?
Jump in front of that car
Jump
Jump
I can see the shadow of my lanyard in my back pocket
Hang yourself
Hang
Hang
Hang
Bowling alley we used to walk to
Burnt down
Rubble now
Mechanic’s
Used to jump on the cord by the gas pump to hear the bell ring inside
Through abandoned parking lot
Stinging thigh
Why haven’t I washed this sweatshirt?
I smell like blood, weed, and axe body spray
Wait
What does blood smell like?
Why is the pharmacy so crowded?
Blood thinners
Box cutter
Bandages
Gauze
Same woman working that filled my prescription
She knows more about my mental state right now than any of my friends
It’s becoming obvious
Old Amish ladies glare
Probably think I’m going to steal something
Probably wondering why I’m not in school
Probably assume I’m a drop out
I look like a fuck up
Why is Neosporin so expensive?
I don’t care that much
Pregnancy test?
I wouldn’t remember
Bandages
How do you treat burns?
Gauze pads, gauze rolls, whatever
Box cutter
Utility knife with extra blade
I have two razors in my pocket anyway
I don’t care
How obvious is this?
Camouflage snuggie
That would throw them off
Too expensive
Diet coke? Lunch
Smile at an old lady
I swear I’m nice, just mentally ill
So many pills
Overdose now
Buy them now
So much
Blood thinners
Where are blood thinners?
Need blood thinners
They make it easier to bleed out
I look so sketchy
Cough drops
What the hell do blood thinners look like?
Doesn’t matter
Not today
No
Today
You’re here
It’s easy today
Fuck
Laxatives?
No I don’t need to make this clearer
I’m fat
They wouldn’t know
Crazy
Is my hair weird?
Stupid wind
Could I drink fabric softener?
I’m an organ donor
“Congratulations
We found you a donor
She was a 17 year old suicide
But luckily for you
Your kidney is soft as a baby’s bottom and resists static”
Whatever
Wish I could buy a lighter
Steal a lighter
No
Box cutter
Utility knife, extra blade
10 large gauze pads
1 roll of gauze
Diet coke
12.32
How do you even get to 32? Whatever
She knows
She knows
She’s disgusted
It’s obvious
She knows what you’re doing
Fuck I can’t put my change back
Failure
Fuck up
Look, she’s watching
She thinks you’re stupid
She’s giving you the Posh Spice glare
Fuck
Bills have to be in order
Piece of shit
Get out
Get out
Get out
Why doesn’t this bag have handles?
I look like a fucking loser
Run to that street
Jump
Text from mom asking if I’ve eaten
“Yep”
Don’t want to walk back this way
Shit
Am I bleeding through my jeans?
I should get sent away
I should tell my mom
Can’t
I’d get drug tested
Dakota
Lauren
I like this
Not everyone makes it
It’s okay
Not another week
Sign says “in God we trust”
Fucking God
Isaiah loved the shit out of God
Turn it up
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
The sun’s coming through my bangs
It’s cold as shit
I feel like I’m in one of those walking-down-a-cold-street-hood-up-alone scenes that’s in music videos
The people in these cars are staring like there’s something to see
What? Can’t figure out my gender?
Me either bitch
Why doesn’t this bag have fucking handles?
This is it
I’m done
Jump
Jump
You just cut that lady off you inconsiderate brat
She smiled but she hates you
They all hate you
Jocelyn
Jocelyn
Jocey
Who calls you that?
I do bitch
He never loved you
No one ever loved you
Walk through the intersection
Fuck
The cars don’t even want to be near you
They think you’re ugly
How long has this been?
An hour and three minutes
Shit
Slow down
Uneven time
Church
Van in the parking lot
Their van
Ride to a market in the back
Fuck
Shit
Shut it down
Get it out
Car
Jump bitch jump
I need a shot
A hit
A pill
If I get hospitalized I won’t pass
Stay sober
Stay here
No
Leave
Get out
They don’t want you
Sick of dealing with you
Whispering about you
Annoying
Ugly
Bitch
BITCH
Graveyard
Is that where I’d go?
Shit is that car my mom?
No
Thank god
Text from Lauren
Why’d I get her involved?
Fucking idiot
Book flower
Used to play all up and down this street
Tears
Fucking weak shit
You could’ve stopped this
He left
LEFT
No one wants you
God just stop this
I can’t cope
I need help
You don’t deserve it
Inconvenient
Worthless
I need help
When did I get on the curb?
I can’t stand
Stop crying you bitch
How many times did we sit here?
Now I’m alone
Just go
Go with him
It’s okay
Slit your throat
Now
You have what you need
Come back
Just let me die
STOP CRYING
I’LL KILL YOU
Utility knife
Stab yourself in the neck
Stab bitch
They can clean up the blood somehow
Don’t let them see you
They already know
Do it now or they’ll lock you away
They’ll lock you away
They don’t want you
Mom wants therapist to do it
Therapist wants someone else
They pass you around because no one can help you
You’re dead already
You’re dead
Don’t give them hope of saving you
Disappointment
Disappoint again
Leave
No one will have to find you
Leave
Run
RUN
Why can’t I get up?
Why can’t I breathe?
Help me
Help
They can’t
Get me out
“The lucky curb”
Fuck
Fucking faggot kill yourself
Get inside
You’re an embarrassment
Fucking whore
Slit your wrists
Someone see me
Someone save me
I’m not okay
I’m a liar
I’m a fake
I need you
Where are you?
Why can’t you care?
Someone see me
They all see
They see and think you’re disgusting
Get inside your fucking house you cunt
Waste of space
Text from mom asking how I am
“Okay”
I’m always okay
I’m always fine
Kill yourself
You know where the pills are
You have the blades
You have a belt
Or a cord
Kill yourself
Ask for help
Crying for help
Waste of time
KILL YOURSELF

 

Written by Jocelyn Ressler

Look like Jesus

You want to look like Jesus . . . but do you know what he really looks like?

 

Luke 24:36

36 While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.”

Childcup

 

A new water filter

This Filter Could Bring Clean Water to Everyone on Earth

NEWS

https://reviewed-production.s3.amazonaws.com/article/15860/drinkpure-filter-hero.jpg

With water scarcity on the rise, a little Swiss engineering may go a long way.

For years, residents of the developed world have enjoyed access to clean, on-demand drinking water. It’s a privilege not shared by those in poorer countries, who often struggle to avoid dehydration and waterborne disease. And as continued climate change and population growth strain supplies across the globe, water scarcity will likely affect 50 percent of the world’s population by 2030, including many in Europe and North America.

But a team of Swiss engineering students aim to fight these issues with a new, reusable water filter called DrinkPure. It’s a small mouthpiece that screws onto the top of any standard PET water bottle. All you need to do is fill the bottle with non-potable water, screw on the filter, and squeeze. Clean, filtered water is instantly available.

The DrinkPure has a three-step filtration process. Water passes through a prefilter to remove plant matter and dirt, then an activated carbon filter removes chemicals, odors, and heavy metals. Lastly, the water passes through a special polymer membrane that filters out bacteria. The membrane was developed by the students themselves, while the other two filters are essentially off-the-shelf parts.

With a working prototype in hand, the students have turned to Indiegogo looking for $40,000 in crowdfunding, and with 26 days to go in the campaign they’ve already exceeded their goal. They plan to use the funds to mass-produce DrinkPure and deliver filters to African families in need of clean drinking water.

While DrinkPure’s main purpose is to provide clean water to those who have long gone without it, the team notes that the filter is also great for hikers and adventurers.

While DrinkPure’s main purpose is to provide clean water to those who have long gone without it, the team notes that the filter is also great for hikers and adventurers. If you want a filter of your very own, you will have to pledge $89 to the campaign, but you can take comfort in the knowledge that your money is going to a good cause.

The group adds that their long term goal is to create local production of water filters in impoverished areas, thereby creating jobs and giving people independence from charitable organizations. It’s an ambitious goal, but given the team’s incredible crowdfunding progress, it’s definitely achievable.

Via: Gizmag
Source: DrinkPure

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Daniel Wroclawski is a tech-obsessed reporter who covers news and features for Reviewed.com. In his spare time, you can probably find him hurtling through the air in a tin can-sized airplane.
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