I swear I’m nice, just mentally ill

I questioned whether to copy this post.  This is supposed to be a devotional blog.  Well . . .  following God is often messy.  Dealing with His children is ALWAYS messy.  I’ve seen a log of articles on suicide following Robin William’s death.   We want to figure everything out.  We want answers.  We want to know why.  Hearing that Robin was facing Parkinson’s Disease made it a little easier to understand.  It gave us an excuse. It gave him an excuse.

Give yourself a break.  You will never figure it out.  I don’t know what Isaiah was thinking.  I don’t know what Jocelyn is thinking.  She says it below.  People ask how she is doing.  She says ok.  She is  always ok.   If I would have come home a little early that day in October, Isaiah wouldn’t have done what he did.  He would have said he was ok.

Ephesians 6:12

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world andagainst the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

 

Inside The Mind Of A Suicidal Teenager

Image

The following is a narrative of my experience and thought process on a particularly rough day last year that I found in the “notes” section of my phone. May be triggering or disturbing to some people. However, these types of thoughts remain relatively normal for me.

Written January 3, 2013

Cross streets randomly without looking
Maybe a driver will take care of this for me
Who am I kidding?
It’s noon in Strasburg
All cars are going 25
Maybe an Amish buggy could trample me
Cold
Neighbor walking
“How are you?”
“I’m good”
Why do I still smile?
Memories on this street
Isaiah
Laughter
Turn up music
Drown it out
Avoid familiar sights
Pretend I have someone to text
Feel tears fighting
How many calories am I burning?
Jump in front of that car
Jump
Jump
I can see the shadow of my lanyard in my back pocket
Hang yourself
Hang
Hang
Hang
Bowling alley we used to walk to
Burnt down
Rubble now
Mechanic’s
Used to jump on the cord by the gas pump to hear the bell ring inside
Through abandoned parking lot
Stinging thigh
Why haven’t I washed this sweatshirt?
I smell like blood, weed, and axe body spray
Wait
What does blood smell like?
Why is the pharmacy so crowded?
Blood thinners
Box cutter
Bandages
Gauze
Same woman working that filled my prescription
She knows more about my mental state right now than any of my friends
It’s becoming obvious
Old Amish ladies glare
Probably think I’m going to steal something
Probably wondering why I’m not in school
Probably assume I’m a drop out
I look like a fuck up
Why is Neosporin so expensive?
I don’t care that much
Pregnancy test?
I wouldn’t remember
Bandages
How do you treat burns?
Gauze pads, gauze rolls, whatever
Box cutter
Utility knife with extra blade
I have two razors in my pocket anyway
I don’t care
How obvious is this?
Camouflage snuggie
That would throw them off
Too expensive
Diet coke? Lunch
Smile at an old lady
I swear I’m nice, just mentally ill
So many pills
Overdose now
Buy them now
So much
Blood thinners
Where are blood thinners?
Need blood thinners
They make it easier to bleed out
I look so sketchy
Cough drops
What the hell do blood thinners look like?
Doesn’t matter
Not today
No
Today
You’re here
It’s easy today
Fuck
Laxatives?
No I don’t need to make this clearer
I’m fat
They wouldn’t know
Crazy
Is my hair weird?
Stupid wind
Could I drink fabric softener?
I’m an organ donor
“Congratulations
We found you a donor
She was a 17 year old suicide
But luckily for you
Your kidney is soft as a baby’s bottom and resists static”
Whatever
Wish I could buy a lighter
Steal a lighter
No
Box cutter
Utility knife, extra blade
10 large gauze pads
1 roll of gauze
Diet coke
12.32
How do you even get to 32? Whatever
She knows
She knows
She’s disgusted
It’s obvious
She knows what you’re doing
Fuck I can’t put my change back
Failure
Fuck up
Look, she’s watching
She thinks you’re stupid
She’s giving you the Posh Spice glare
Fuck
Bills have to be in order
Piece of shit
Get out
Get out
Get out
Why doesn’t this bag have handles?
I look like a fucking loser
Run to that street
Jump
Text from mom asking if I’ve eaten
“Yep”
Don’t want to walk back this way
Shit
Am I bleeding through my jeans?
I should get sent away
I should tell my mom
Can’t
I’d get drug tested
Dakota
Lauren
I like this
Not everyone makes it
It’s okay
Not another week
Sign says “in God we trust”
Fucking God
Isaiah loved the shit out of God
Turn it up
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
The sun’s coming through my bangs
It’s cold as shit
I feel like I’m in one of those walking-down-a-cold-street-hood-up-alone scenes that’s in music videos
The people in these cars are staring like there’s something to see
What? Can’t figure out my gender?
Me either bitch
Why doesn’t this bag have fucking handles?
This is it
I’m done
Jump
Jump
You just cut that lady off you inconsiderate brat
She smiled but she hates you
They all hate you
Jocelyn
Jocelyn
Jocey
Who calls you that?
I do bitch
He never loved you
No one ever loved you
Walk through the intersection
Fuck
The cars don’t even want to be near you
They think you’re ugly
How long has this been?
An hour and three minutes
Shit
Slow down
Uneven time
Church
Van in the parking lot
Their van
Ride to a market in the back
Fuck
Shit
Shut it down
Get it out
Car
Jump bitch jump
I need a shot
A hit
A pill
If I get hospitalized I won’t pass
Stay sober
Stay here
No
Leave
Get out
They don’t want you
Sick of dealing with you
Whispering about you
Annoying
Ugly
Bitch
BITCH
Graveyard
Is that where I’d go?
Shit is that car my mom?
No
Thank god
Text from Lauren
Why’d I get her involved?
Fucking idiot
Book flower
Used to play all up and down this street
Tears
Fucking weak shit
You could’ve stopped this
He left
LEFT
No one wants you
God just stop this
I can’t cope
I need help
You don’t deserve it
Inconvenient
Worthless
I need help
When did I get on the curb?
I can’t stand
Stop crying you bitch
How many times did we sit here?
Now I’m alone
Just go
Go with him
It’s okay
Slit your throat
Now
You have what you need
Come back
Just let me die
STOP CRYING
I’LL KILL YOU
Utility knife
Stab yourself in the neck
Stab bitch
They can clean up the blood somehow
Don’t let them see you
They already know
Do it now or they’ll lock you away
They’ll lock you away
They don’t want you
Mom wants therapist to do it
Therapist wants someone else
They pass you around because no one can help you
You’re dead already
You’re dead
Don’t give them hope of saving you
Disappointment
Disappoint again
Leave
No one will have to find you
Leave
Run
RUN
Why can’t I get up?
Why can’t I breathe?
Help me
Help
They can’t
Get me out
“The lucky curb”
Fuck
Fucking faggot kill yourself
Get inside
You’re an embarrassment
Fucking whore
Slit your wrists
Someone see me
Someone save me
I’m not okay
I’m a liar
I’m a fake
I need you
Where are you?
Why can’t you care?
Someone see me
They all see
They see and think you’re disgusting
Get inside your fucking house you cunt
Waste of space
Text from mom asking how I am
“Okay”
I’m always okay
I’m always fine
Kill yourself
You know where the pills are
You have the blades
You have a belt
Or a cord
Kill yourself
Ask for help
Crying for help
Waste of time
KILL YOURSELF

 

Written by Jocelyn Ressler

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