There are times of intense anger when dealing with suicide.. . I almost wrote suicide victims – but who are the victims? Are the ones who ended their lives the victims of suicide or the survivors that loved them? One is gone and out of their misery. The others will live with the fallout for the remainder of their lives. Anger is a normal emotion with any death. We have anger towards God for allowing it to happen. We have anger against illness, accidents, and everyone involved. Suicide only adds another level of anger – anger against the one who opted out. Words like selfish, quitter, hopeless come to mind. The eternal question of “why” is tattooed on our hearts and the longing fearful thought “was there something that I could have done?”
The anger boils and spills over and soaks everything close by. I find myself looking at pictures and saying “You bastard! Why did you do that?” I don’t even talk like that. Why do I say it to my own son?
Am I missing the last two words in that question: “to us?” Am I mad that he did it “to us”? or am I mad that he is gone by his own hand? Am I mad that he was so abused that he saw no way out? Am I mad that he didn’t give healing one more try? One more day? Am I mad that I wasn’t there to stop it? Does it matter? I’m angry. I’m angry every time I see a picture of him with a big smile and wonder why it couldn’t have helped him like it helped others.
Anger. Can I forgive him while I’m still angry? Will the anger subside?
Two years have gone by. The questions linger but life continues. I pray for forgiveness to come. I pray for love to overflow rather than anger.